One of the most difficult thing, residing in emotional exhaustion, is facing pain within family members when you tell them you are leaving and you are not sure when you are coming back.
They get an instant feeling of loss. I believe that it truly hurts. And because they are experiencing pain, they get in defensive position.
“Why are you leaving? Why? Just why?”
It doesn’t matter how good my answer to that question is, they are not willing to hear it. They feel pain, so that means it is just wrong whatever it’s happening.
I have one grandmother who is a very active person, and I admire her for that. She is always in motion, doing this and that, extraordinarily fit for her age, still able to work all day long. Because she is active and we are active, we don’t see each other much. Now she came for a visit, and she was full of these: “Why are you leaving???”
She looked almost devastating when she had to say goodbye. She thought we would never see each other again. All of the sudden, I interpret, she got an idea in her head that our relationship is lost. Not just that, it was never really built. She asked my five-year-old daughter, what is her name. It was a dreadful feeling that her own family will not know who she even is.
If you think about it that way, it surely is horrible. But the funny part is, if we lived normal family life in Slovenia, our relationship still wouldn’t be any closer. We apparently didn’t feel we need to do anything special about it. We knew where each other is, we called to see what each other is doing, and that was mostly it. Nothing will change with us leaving. We will still come to visit our relatives when we get a chance. I think it will be more meaningful because we will have something to talk about.
It’s funny that when you tell that you are about to leave the country, they get scared and think about all the horrible stuff that can happen to us, although it is not more dangerous than to live your everyday life. Leo’s uncle, for example, died returning home from work when he was only 20 something because some part of the building fell on him. You never know. That’s why is even more important to follow your dreams and live a fulfilled life. I prefer living five years of full life: with challenges, overcoming difficulties, giving your best in every situation. Instead of living five decades in constant fear what may have happened and just waiting for something, not knowing what that something even is.
It is also interesting how selfish we tend to be. “I feel the pain, that is why you shouldn’t go anywhere.” It doesn’t matter what we will gain out of this experience, what possibilities will open for us. They are sure, all we crave for is achievable right where we are. We just don’t know yet, and they have to convince us.
They may be right. You can find fulfillment anywhere because it is just feeling inside us. The feeling we can change even with different mind association.
But, are you content if you have never tried to do things you imagined for yourself possible?
It always comes down to this. I feel potential sleeping inside me. Will I just let it sleep its beauty sleep? Or will I shake it and say: “Hey, wake up! It’s time to go out there! Show yourself; what are you really able to achieve!”
The second one is way scarier for me. Yes, I am terrified as well. I am scared of unknown. I am scared of losing bonds with my family. I am scared my decisions will harm my kids. But, I will still do it. Because if I won’t, I will die with bitter regret and thought: “How would my life look like, if I were brave enough to take that step?”
I don’t want to wonder. I want to live.
I want to live my life to the fullest. Fears shouldn’t stop me. I want to overcome them every single day by taking action and making my decisions happen. You never know what the outcome will be, but I am sure it will be better than just not doing anything.