Diary & Writing

Searching for meaning

Nadja Ebner

14 Dec 17 · 3 min read

We have arrived on Gozo at the beginning of November. Personally, I fell into a bit of depressive state. Maybe depression isn’t the right description. It was more like melancholy. I wasn’t sad; I was without energy. I wished to snuggle between warm covers and not move out of it.

It wasn’t physical exhaustion; it was all in my head. I don’t know why I like comparisons with broken relationships, but I will give you one more. It was like when you go through break up. Even if it was you who decided to part, you could not entirely avoid disappointment stage afterward. It happens because your vision for the future changed. You experience the feeling of loss, even though you haven’t even had that yet. You pictured idyllic forthcoming for you two, but it never happened. It was just expectation, which was never met. How silly we are, to mourn things that never were ours. 

I was grieving because the image of me as adventurous explorer mom was scattered. I was again mum involved in the routine of everyday life. There is nothing wrong with regularity. I noticed kids need it to feel secure. I want to create a prosperous environment for my little ones. My darling likes to repeat: "You can have anything, but not everything." It's true. I had to say goodbye to one possible path and headed on another. I decided to go along the domestic road, which required to say farewell to all the others.

The best recipe to get out of that ‘sorry-for-yourself’ stage, is being active. It is easier to say than do. I am lucky to have kids. They need me! I cannot be so selfish to vegetate somewhere in the corner. A lot of the things ordered to be done. I stepped into the action: enrolled kids in school, bought uniforms and school necessities, checked checkup with the doctor. I arranged it extremely fast. Kids were in school, so what now. Back to that cozy bed! 

Then Leo stepped in. He teased me to the extent it made me angry. That was his point: I cannot be passive if I am mad. He challenged me; he didn’t let me dwell in my inner world. What now? On what to work? On what to focus? What is my primary goal? What is my purpose? And all that new age masochistic undertake. 

Slowly I realized, I can think as much as I want; I can use analytic approach, look in all possible directions, synthesize conclusions, you know, really let my rational capacities running, but I won’t get the satisfactory outcome. Nothing will change. Even though I am busy introspecting, I’ll still stand on the same step. 

What does work, though? Work! 

I needed to focus only on one task and do it efficiently. All in, as they say. I decided I will write every day one article for Tiny stories. While concentrating only on writing, a bunch of stuff started rushing in my head. I can do this, and that, and like that… It’s thrilling. Ideas came when I wasn’t pushing them; when I wasn’t even expecting they’ll visit me. 

I must to memorize this realization for the next time I’ll get stuck in a traffic jam inside my brain. Body and mind are obviously connected. I can be mentally restless, but if I am not moving physically to support my thoughts, there aren’t any encouraging results. So simple, but so challenging. 

Stop moaning, start making.
If you want to see the change, you have to evoke it physically.

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