It was October when I started going out with my awesome guy that I still stuck with, happily and willingly. My study began in October, and so did my ‘grown-up’ phase. Or let me say it differently: my path of conscious personal development started then. It was October when we moved out of Slovenia for the first time. In October we conceive our third child, who was unfortunately miscarried, which caused me great pain but also strengthen me. It will be October when we’ll start our new adventure by exploring the world.
I was born in a small city Slovenj Gradec in Slovenia. My parents broke apart soon after my birth. I lived with my mother and when she remarried I received the company of my brother. I have as well two sisters from my father’s family. I am the oldest, and one might think I should have some leadership abilities. I am learning how to awoke them, but back then, I was this shy obedient girl, who never caused any problems. I was scared what one will think of me or my actions, so I rather didn’t do anything. I was a quiet observant. I’ve always liked animals, and I found it much easier to bond with them than with humans. I’ve enjoyed being in nature, and I was always dreaming of having a horse. I’d pictured myself as this courageous, powerful woman (like Pocahontas for example), who will ride a horse without a saddle and conquer any danger or fear.
In high school, I’d gained some confidence, mostly by drinking alcohol. I was introduced to that magical liquor, who gave me such courage that I didn’t have to think what is wise to say or do — I just did it and felt great about it. We were out with girlfriends almost every weekend, conquering the park and its inhabitants. It had to pass some time until I was able to recognize; it wasn’t the alcohol consumption that was making me feel good. It was the feeling that I was able to act according to my dreams. Every weekend I’d allegedly transformed myself into Pocahontas.
When it was time to go to college, I chose to study philosophy and sociology. Through those years I’d realized only practice makes it ‘perfect’. (And that I will never achieve this perfect state because it doesn’t exist. Even though I perform great, I want to do it better.) If I wanted to know stuff, I needed to read, read, read like crazy. If I wanted to answer questions on my oral exams, I had to have plenty of them before I stopped choking. And I realized, if I want to have something, I have to act on it. The worst thing is indecision.
Now I try to act as much as I can. In this year I’ve started with riding lessons. I am learning how to play guitar (because I love the sound of acoustic guitar). And I still read a lot.
The difference is that now I am doing things I read about and not just fantasizing them.