Diary & Writing

It started to happen

Nadja Ebner

18 Aug 17 · 3 min read

My confidence started to reduce.

I am not saying that I am otherwise this confident I-can-do-it-all girl. Sometimes I feel like a little, scared mouse, who just want to drag herself into some dark hole, where no one can see her. But I wasn’t like that about our new traveling adventure. I was all in. I was charged with inspiring energy. I was glowing just thinking about it. Then, one evening nostalgia kicked in.

Kids were sleeping, Leo was working, and I was lying in my bed unable to read. Already that was strange. For me, that’s like saying I couldn’t eat. I took our albums from the shelf and started to look at photos. Through watching, I experienced all the feelings I used to feel all over again. I saw celebrations of my birthdays with my family. I felt this overwhelming love shining from our faces. I saw friends with whom we laugh like crazy. I saw my kids as babies giving me their first smile. It warmed my heart. Soon, stabbing pain followed: I am leaving everything behind!

When I finished scrolling through albums, I realized, it makes no difference if I am physically leaving or not. I felt a longing for experiences that already happened and are not here anymore. Some of the family members died, some friends are lost somewhere in a different dimension, some relations fundamentally changed. I am not leaving anything behind, those memories are in my head, but real connections are already gone. That’s in my past.

It is useless to stay in those lovely memories — they are just that, and they can never fully restore.

Life is moving on and so should I.

One of the biggest challenges for me right now is, how to stop dwelling on in the past and start acting now. How to focus only on what I want to do right now. I find it sooo hard; I can tell you that. Sometimes it’s easier to cover myself with blankets and let my mind wander in sweet, loving, cozy memories…

I saw one girl yesterday. She looked like she is in love. She was standing beside me, waiting for the light to turn green. I looked at her face, and she was somewhere else. She had this blurred look and corners of her mouth was slightly lifting. She wasn’t looking at a semaphore. She didn’t see anything around her. I could see she is trapped in some nice memory. It was pleasant but also a bit scary. She just wasn’t there, although her body was. The car could bump into her; I think she wouldn’t be able to react in time.

So many times I complain that I don’t have enough time. How many minutes I spend dwelling on my memories or thinking about future! That is a lost time. I would like to learn, how to fully use my Now. If my mind is wandering in the past: what am I missing and what actions can I make to get that right now? I think managing that, would be so satisfactory. The feeling that I am taking control. I am sailing my ship! Not my memories, not my future scenarios, I am. My actions are creating my life. Why not act in a way that will satisfy me?

I believe that if I act according to my wishes, I won’t have any regrets. That doesn’t mean I won’t miss my family or friends when I am exploring the world. It doesn’t mean I won’t crave for my bed to sleep in when we are changing apartments or hostels. Or dream about my granny’s dinner, when I’ll be eating suspicious food bought from the street. But everything comes with the price. And I decided I am prepared to pay it. Happily.

Edited: 6 years ago by Nadja Ebner

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