Diary & Writing
Creating myself as a writer

You are creating yourself according to the field you cover. Writing academic articles is different than writing manuals. Writing novels differ from writing manifests. Even on the academical level, there is a difference if you claim you are a philosopher or sociologist: you have to use different terminology. When you choose and dedicate to one field, you become shaped by it. 

My everlasting problem is choosing and dedicating. When I had to decide what I’ll study, I took Philosophy and Sociology, because it sounded like it’s extensive enough to calm my curiosity. I always had troubles writing dissertations, because I got carried away. So many different approaches exist to think about a problem, and I had the urge to cover them all. I genuinely like to study, but after bachelor degree, I didn’t proceed to the next level. Why? Because I would need to choose a topic that interests me most and work intensely on it. I was never able to find one. 

Older I get, more I realize, it’s not enough only to spread your horizons, you need to dig deep as well. Indecision affects every corner of my everyday life. I am not sure where I want to live. How can I, if I haven’t seen the whole world yet? I am not sure, in which profession I want to work. I feel the need to dedicate to one field alone, but I don’t know which one. There are so many fascinating disciplines out there! One thing I always enjoyed is reading and writing. But even within that, you have to choose how you wish to master. I distanced myself from philosophy. I liked the world of debates, different views, and aspects. But I saw too many rigid philosophy teachers who couldn’t hear a different opinion anymore because they were excessively defending their own. I like it when people believe in something and stand by it. But not for every cause. I still don’t find humans so brilliant, that they would have the right to claim they possess The truth. 

Now I share my life with entrepreneur guy, who is all about business, marketing, and motivation. It's normal that we share our insights and have an influence on each other. As enterprising as he is, he wants to make something out of my will to write. I am not opposing: I mean, who wouldn’t want to earn money with the work they like to do. But I am not so sure if I want to start writing with the notion to catch attention with overseen titles and supposedly needy content; even if it is just to build an audience to which I could later write however I want. I cannot help but feel like accepting stripping job to earn enough money to get where I want to be. Hell, I like dancing as well. Why not strip then, there is at least paid exercise. 

I already see how nervous my guy will get: “I won’t help you anymore. Do what you want to do. Do you know what you want to do?” No, I don’t. That is why I am asking myself: Who am I to look down on successful marketing approach? What have I done in my life, to have such pride?